Ok so I want to first apologize about my last blog. I know that it was long, but I have the worst memories of all times. I get depressed knowing that I forget the good times I have in my life. And I am horrible at keeping a journal, so I thought blogging would be a good way to keep some of my memories with me.... I also apologize for how long this one is. But there is a lot in my head that wants out. So here I write...
I may have been a little confusing on my last blog because I dove into the middle of a story. I never explained why I was in Europe in the first place... Europe is my key out of my realistic life. I like being away from home. It helps me feel more free. I have always felt controlled and chained down. Like who I am, what I think, and what I do has always been decided for me. I always thought I knew who I was and where I was going. I don't know what made me so sure. I decided I needed to have my own experiences, and find out who I want to be. I love being all over the world seeing new things and meeting new people, they teach me so much. It is crazy how different everyone is and I think that each person you meet paints a little part of your painting. I love to learn how people became themselves, creating there thoughts, beliefs, and over all, their lives. And I love that I can live a new life here without any judgments of who I have been. I am not ready for the cage of normal routine life... I could talk all day of my fear of permanence, but I am mostly afraid that the one thing I want most to stay the same, will never be made permanent.
The past few weeks have been extremely hard. Some horrible things happened and I decided that it was time for me to come back to Europe. Me and my parents were already planning a trip to Europe in a couple of weeks, but I decided that I needed to have this experience alone. Not just Europe, but Vilseck, Germany to be exact. Jan and I have spent a total of two months in each others company. And we have known each other for two years this July. We had never had time alone, because his visits were always short ones and it was necessary to spend all of the time with family and friends. So I thought this would be a good time to finally have a little time alone, for us.
I changed my ticket and I was ready to go. I was unsure about this whole trip and I was quite nervous as my mom dropped me off at the airport. And repacking my bag at the airport would be the first hint of how my trip was going to go. He said my bag was so heavy that I would have to buy a duffel bag and repack or pay 300 dollars extra. I went with the bag. And the old man helped me repack. I boarded the plane and I was off. I didn't know exactly what to do or why I was going but it was where I needed to be. I was scared out of my mind. I had been dreaming about it for days. The only good thing I was holding onto was my dreams, because when I was awake, only the worst seemed to be played out in my mind. I wouldn't be worried for long though as I get put next to a 27 year old German that insisted on talking to me the entire flight to Germany. (I don't know which would be worse, worrying or trying to understand him for 9 hours). I finally arrived in Frankfurt hoping that Jan was meeting me there.. It is a strange thing seeing each other after being separated for so long. We have done this a couple times before and it has always felt a little strange finally seeing someone that you are always are thinking about but never see. It's like the unreal steps out of your dreams. It had only been two months this time since we had seen each other, but it had seemed much longer and harder then that. Time has never been on our side.
I will not give all the details of my time in Germany, in fear of who reads this blog. But it would have been a good story to tell. The way to Vilseck was beautiful! There is a bunch of hills with fields and forest. And then little villages with all kinds of brightly colored houses. I wish I would have taken some pictures so I could have shown you the beauty Germany holds... It is kind of funny how the base works. Its like a little piece of America was moved there, but all the Germans guard the base like they care about it or something. I don't think I will ever understand the Germans... This trip meant a lot to me because I was able to see a part of Jan's life. It was interesting. I met a lot of his army friends, and I liked some of them lol. One in particular, and I like to call him Promiscuous Trevor. He is another version of Jan. They will both be mad if they find out I write this, but I think it's cute how close they are. And for all of you that know Jan, I am sorry to say there is another one just like him in the world. haha. And for all those that know Jan's imitation voice, Trevor does the same one. I am not going to lie, it scared me a little the first time I heard him do it. Even though we had to fight over attention for the same person, we somehow managed to become friends.
We didn't get to do a whole lot there but that doesn't mean I didn't have a good time. It doesn't take a lot to entertain me. One of my favorite times was grocery shopping. If you are like me you really just picture mothers with kids shopping. Never two guys like Jan and Trevor pushing a shopping cart along fighting over oreos. It was very entertaining for me... Also we left the base to go to church one Sunday. Jan was not happy because we couldn't find it for an over and hour, but I enjoyed every minute of being lost because it was such a cute little city. I promise to get pictures somehow so you can see what I mean.. Another good time was going to dinner with a couple of couples and a 3 year old that knew how to beat people up. I got kangaroo and Jan got crocodile. I was a little shocked because they brought it out raw and bleeding but then I realized you had to cook it yourself on the hot stone. It was sooooooo good. I hope I can go back there one day.
I was planning to stay there a lot longer, but only after being there a few days Jan was told he had to leave to a leadership camp right away. And he would be gone for a month. So I had to leave the next day... Aka my story on my blog right before this.
I hope I can go back soon. Because in those short days there, I found out where I belong, what I want permanent in my life, and what home really means to me.
Love may be the only escape and the key to into a life worth living.
7 years ago